The Conversations We Have With Ourselves

Several people have either written or talked to me about the conversations they have with themselves. These mental chats aren't to be confused with serious self-exploration in an effort to better ones self. It has been made clear that it is contrived, MADE UP dialogue in their head [or out loud] of them and someone else. Some have laughed it off, others are serious as hell when they relay this information. I sit in awe, not because of the freely expressed psychosis [we all have a little "crazy" in us, I don't care about that] but at the fact that bad communication is a deal-breaker [of some sorts] with them. It quickly becomes clear that communication isn't defined the same across the board...and that they expect great communication from others but don't plan on doing it themselves. 

For some, if you let them say whatever they want to, when they feel like it, THAT is good communication. If you have something to say in return, that doesn't play a part in their definition of exchanging words. Others consider communication talking to everyone [themselves included] but the person they need to speak to. As long as they're getting it off their chest, it doesn't matter that the problem still exists. They've vented and some communication has taken place. Then there are those who encourage arguments because then it can't be said that the other person didn't get to say what they wanted. Never mind that both people were too busy talking/yelling to actually listen to what the other person was saying.

The problem with all of the above is that even though words might be exchanged at some point, none of it is effective communication. Monkeys can scream at each other. It doesn't mean they are accomplishing anything.

So what's the big deal with having conversations with ourselves? Nothing if we're perfectly fine seeing everything from our own narrow tunnel vision. It's a huge problem if we actually consider ourselves to be open-minded, good listeners and communicators. 

In order to effectively communicate, we have to be willing to accept that the other person doesn't see things as we do. Just as we have reasons for why we think and do something, so does EVERYONE else. It doesn't matter how trivial or significant the reasons. While it might be tough to digest, we also have to be open to the fact that we could be wrong about how we're seeing/approaching things. Acknowledging that possibility, indicates we're willing to listen to others. Hashing things out in our head, convincing ourselves that we know exactly what the other person is thinking, and then deciding how things will pan out is as pointless as talking to a brick wall and expecting it to give responses.

In my daily efforts to communicate better, I've processed that depending on the person, our levels of effective communication tend to change. Sometimes this clouds our judgment, leading us to believe we are exceptional speakers/listeners across the board. I'll use myself as an example. I use my language very deliberately. It comes across harsh to some people who rely on their feelings to open up to others. I had to come to the realization that while I might be great at this with SOME people, it isn't with ALL people. Once that epiphany smacked me across the face, it became a choice versus a stubborn incorrect opinion of myself.

This is probably the hardest thing someone who gets accolades for being a good communicator will have to accept. However, just because we tell ourselves something everyday, that doesn't necessarily make it true. Just like this talking to yourself thing. At some point, productive interaction with others has to be more important. It is only then that we'll stop having one-sided conversations and start having them with the people we've been leaving out of the exchange.

Answering a Direct Question w/a Direct Answer is Brash & Arrogant?

brash: impertinent; impudent; tactless

arrogant: making claims or pretensions to superior importance or rights; overbearingly assuming; insolently proud

I was recently called brash and arrogant for stating that I didn't wear makeup because I didn't need it. In an effort to keep things in context, I wasn't tooting my horn. There was a discussion being had about wearing a full face of makeup. I was asked why I chose not to. My response was:

"because I don't need it"

I was met with a turned up nose and the statement that I must think I'm better than women who do wear makeup. This confused me because my reply wasn't about ANYONE ELSE but ME. You asked me why I didn't wear makeup and I answered you; because you didn't like my answer, you assume I think I'm better than you and any woman who chooses to wear makeup. Ok.

This lead me to ask someone else if the woman who asked me the question was being a little sensitive. After playing back the conversation to them, their assesment was that because I didn't offer any further explanation as to WHY I didn't wear makeup, it makes me come across as brash and arrogant.

Seriously?

How did I become the bad guy for answering a direct question, directly? I didn't give my opinion as to why other women wear makeup. I didn't even say that I don't think women need makeup. I said nothing in reference to anyone but myself. So I can't choose to not wear makeup because I don't need to? Or is there a problem here that has absolutely NOTHING to do with me? I'm going to say the latter.

The other day, a makeup artist stated that all women should wear makeup and those who don't, need to "get their life". She went on further to assume that if you don't wear makeup, you must not really love yourself because why wouldn't you want to enhance what you already have. Her statements were not in regards to just herself. She targeted an entire group of women to attack...simply because they weren't anything like her. I don't agree with her at all and I definitely don't think that all women's self-esteem is tied up in their beauty. Never mind that everyone can't wear makeup and there are some women who don't like it on THEIR face. 

I'm brash and arrogant though, right?

This is the perfect example of up being down, left being right, and right being wrong. Had she asked me a question that focused on all women and makeup, she would have gotten a totally different answer. However, her question was directed only to me. When did communication change to where I should be answering every question as if I'm speaking for everyone? I will not speak for all women in a LOT of areas because I do some things differently. I don't want someone who does things differently than me, speaking for me either. 

Yet, I'm still the problem.

This is why I've never been a fan of majority rule because it brushes aside those who think outside of the norm. Being different isn't something that I do so that I can get brownie points for being unique. EVERYONE has something about themselves that contrasts from others. At no point should they be called tactless or accused of feeling superior because of their diversity. Different doesn't automatically mean better or wrong. It means not the same.

Partnering Up: The Best/Worst Things to Do

Teams are usually created out of a sense of necessity. While most determined people would love to have their hands on every aspect of their project, enlisting help sometimes is best. Working as a team has been known to increase efficiency and accomplish more in a shorter period of time. However, partnering up with others is not without its challenges. There are a plethora of things that contribute to the order and chaos of collaborating with someone else.

Some of the Worst Things to Do When Partnering Up

Not take others thought process/style of work into consideration: In a lot of cases, working closely together will reveal differences that could get in the way of progress. Figuring out how to make them complement one another and implementing it, helps. One must never forget that if you could do it all by yourself, you would not need a partner.

Having no regard for the scope/schedule of work: Entering into a partnership suggests that you are willing to abide by whatever agreement has been arranged. Prolonging things and/or not giving your partner enough time to complete their portion also shows a lack of consideration. If changes come up, communication is best instead of assuming it is okay to make an adjustment where someone else’s input is required.

Practice bad communication: Communication is the most essential key in making any partnership work. Even if the original idea was yours and you created the team. The saying, “there’s no ‘I’ in TEAM” exists for a reason. Withholding information or assuming you know what is best for everyone will dissolve a team quicker than you put it together. By communicating effectively, everyone can be on the same page and continue to create what they were brought together for.

Some of the Best Things to Do When Partnering Up

Know who you’re working with: Working closely with someone requires that you get to know them as much as you’d like them to know you. Teaming up with someone who could be your clone could be a constant ego boost but it is never as beneficial as working with someone who can balance out the strengths and weaknesses.

Separate the workload accordingly: Just as everyone does not think the same, we do not all work the same either. Keeping this in mind will allow teammates to realistically approach tasks. Some might do more/less than others but in certain areas, it is necessary. Understanding each other’s roles allows for the workload to be allocated in a fair manner.

Be honest: This is something that is always easier said than done. It works closely with effective communication. Partnering up with someone says that you are ready to take someone else’s input, time, and life into account. So we have to be reasonable when changes come about that can affect the partnership. Having open and honest lines of interaction will allow all parties involved to stay focused on the goal versus taking anything personally.

There are many projects we can successfully tackle on our own. These are better left to a one (wo)man show. Larger, more detailed ventures can have a greater outcome with the right people operating together. This always aids in any partnership being lucrative. The end product is not about one person. Knowing and acknowledging that before beginning a collective effort will save everyone the chaos that ensues when we do not know the best and worst of partnering up.

[originally posted on www.femmelagloire.com © 2012 Syn Delano]