Rethinking Traditional Relationships

I sat with Anain Bjorkquist and discussed sex, love, joy, loyalty and many other things related to relationships. Out of the several hours we talked, this is what made the chopping block! Listen here.

If you cannot access iTunes Podcast, the interview can be heard on Soundcloud and Stitcher.  

Enjoy!

Online Social Networks & Relationships

With the growth of social networks, more and more people are developing relationships online that become truly worthwhile. While some still view it as weird to make friends, meet the love of your life, and hang out with someone you interact with through tweets, wall statuses, and blog posts, there is no denying that these people are still flesh and blood. Some might go to great lengths to pretend to be someone they really aren't because when they log out out of a social network, their offline life isn't as enjoyable. Either way it goes, social networks aren't JUST some imaginary place to talk to imaginary people. No matter the level of delusion we make ourselves succumb to in order to say "these people aren't real to me", it sends the message that when you log on, you don't consider yourself to be real either.

While we all use social networks for different things (business, socializing, out of boredom, for attention, etc.), there's no denying, we're STILL on them. No matter how close we allow ourselves to get to others, to discount any interaction we might have had is to also diminish who we are. So what happens when the social experience has worn out its welcome with certain people?

As in real life, it becomes difficult for some to walk away because they don't want someone to get upset. However, if it's JUST Twitter/Facebook/Tumblr/Instagram, why does it matter all of a sudden? It didn't before they unfollowed you or are people really honest with themselves about these networks just being something to do to pass time? It becomes obvious that there is a bias, depending on who it is that unfollows some people. If you know them offline or knew them before online social networking took over the world, feelings tend to get hurt.

I've been accused of getting into my feelings about being unfollowed when that wasn't the issue. If we are REAL friends AND have an offline friendship, I will ALWAYS address anything that seems off. This is not some right I only give myself; I extend it to anyone who has ever called me a friend. Otherwise, we don't have a real friendship. Do I feel ALL my friends NEED to follow me on everything for us to maintain a friendship? Most certainly not. ALL of my close friends could unfollow me today and while it would strike me as odd, I'm not going to be bent out of shape about it. Maybe they don't like what I have to say when I'm online and they're allowed that. A REAL friendship dictates that we have something of substance whether we can see what each other are saying/doing online or not. 

Why aren't we seriously asking ourselves why online networks play SUCH an important part in whether we stay friends with people if we had a decent relationship before the internet existed? If they were SUCH awesome people we could brag about online, what changed when they unfollowed us that made them less worthy of friendship? If we're fortunate enough to meet quality people online that we care to meet offline, shouldn't our bond sustain us past a follow? I would like to think so but the evolution of the word friend and various levels of maturity state otherwise. 

I've been the unfollowed and I've been the unfollower. Offline, I've been unfriended and I've had to unfriend people. Online, while it might be an easier task, the after effects when someone's feelings are attached to it, are still the same as offline. There should be a clear line of distinction though that if I'm telling you we're still friends after an unfollow, it isn't the same as sitting someone down and saying "I don't want to be friends with you anymore". Being tolerant of others involves leaving people alone to do as they please on their social networks. So if you're constantly contradicting yourself after I've sat and had hour long conversations with you, being excessively negative, an online bully, and/or lying about your life, I'm going to unfollow you. I don't want that experience offline and it's far easier to control ONLINE. 

I say all this to say...I'm of the old school when it comes to having REAL friends. If I got $5, you got $2.50. If you don't want to be lied to, don't lie to me. If you want me to herald you as great, you better be extolling me too. If you say you love me, it requires more than liking my pictures on Instagram, replying to tweets, and/or feeding my ego that doesn't need any more stroking as it is. While the internet has made life easy in tons of areas, ALL relationships STILL require human, not electronic effort. If you don't have it to give or don't want to be honest about preferring not so deep interaction, it isn't going to work. So an unfollow should be the least of our concerns when it comes to our REAL friends.

Be You. Don't Send Me A Representative.

There are so many people who claim to be "real". Kind of like people who say they're humble. It's one of those things that if we were, we wouldn't have to let anyone know. Our actions would speak for themselves. From time to time, I've been accused of not wanting the "real" from others, which is far from the truth. The thing about being genuine is, if we treat it like a light switch, we aren't being authentic. We're playing a role that relies greatly on how well of an actor we are, not portraying who we truly are.

No matter the level of relationship[romantic, friend, family, etc.] we get to know others on, if we make ourselves appear one way, knowing we operate totally different when we're comfortable, we've already succeeded at poisoning the relationship. Putting up facades tend to damage whatever we're trying to build. Human nature doesn't leave much room to conceal who we are for long so, our true selves seep out, whether we notice it or not. So why front in the first place?

By sending our representative in to establish a relationship, we cheat ourselves out of being around people who genuinely like us. There are things and people in the world that can be beneficial to our growth and all the energy we use to impress them as someone we aren't, is a waste. If it's extremely important to be liked, it only takes a second to understand that no matter who we are [pretend or not], everyone isn't going to like us anyway. No human alive is built to appeal to everyone. Even the most lovable person we know is disliked by someone.

So when someone sheds their facade and I distance myself, it is never about me not liking the real them. I might actually be fond of the "real you". People can become turned off when it becomes clear that all the time spent getting to know this "other you" was in vain. Personally, what turns me off is that I STILL don't know the real you...and there is no telling when I'll be allowed to see. All the time spent getting to know a representative could have been spent getting to know YOU. It can also make people question what else you're hiding in a relationship, sending the message that you aren't to be trusted. 

So in the end, is it really about people not wanting the real you or is it more so you not giving people the initial opportunity to know who you really are?

Do You REALLY Care What Kanye & Kim are Doing?

Due to the gossipy world we live in, if you have the slightest modicum of fame, the public [media included] will insert themselves into every facet of your life, if possible. There was a time when news was broadcast in an effort to inform us of things that we needed to know. Today? Not so much. It appears that people are far more interested in who's sleeping with who versus things that really matter.

I clicked on a Huffington Post link that said "Kim & Kanye Posing Nude on L'Official Hommes Paris Spring 2013", thinking it was going to be a spread of tasteful photos from the couple. Wrong. The write-up had more to do with admonishing them for taking the pictures.

"...doing a hell of a job making sure their future child will one day have plenty to be embarrassed about"

"the reality star and her rapper baby daddy"

"we'll admit the cover is pretty sexy, but we're calling TMI on this as we have their unborn baby's best interest at heart, and no one wants to see their parents like that"

The focus wasn't on the photos that were taken, in fact, there was only one pose repeatedly shown on the post and that was it. The writer made sure you were paying attention to their opinion related drivel that reflected more of their personal beliefs than a genuine interest in the couple's unborn child. Makes me wonder if they stopped to think that maybe it isn't within the unborn child's interest to write foolish shit about their parents.

As far as "no one wants to see their parents like that", I'm positive there are people out there who thought the picture was beautiful, not an embarrassment, present or future. If children see their parents expressing love for one another openly, wouldn't that provide a good example? I suppose it is the general assumption that they'll raise their child traditionally and in a conservative manner. If they choose to do that, good for them. It is the choosing otherwise that causes people to cast these ridiculous judgments.

I can show you several families who raised their children conservatively, in a traditional manner...and the kids didn't take to their parents instructions too well. The same goes for non-traditional parenting. You can find examples of good and bad outcomes for any type of child rearing.

I digress. Whatever happened to just wishing people well? Instead we've become a society that has to tear EVERYTHING apart to feel better about ourselves. I would say if Kim & Kanye were your friends, would you look at them the same but the answer is made clear everyday. A lot of people cannot stomach the happiness of others when they aren't in a happy place themselves. While it is understandable, the negativity attached to it oozes out a lot more frequently than some of us are willing to admit.

The Huffington Post more than likely got tons of hits and that is what they're always aiming for. It just makes me a bit sad that news has to be presented in this manner. 

I'm not Kim and my husband isn't Kanye but we're not strangers to people saying inappropriate things about our relationship. It is almost like the free-spirited, carefree individuals will forever be looked down upon by those too afraid to embrace their right to do as they please. Kayne & Kim have dated some well-known people. Kanye doesn't get crowned a hobag, as does Kim, even though their situations have been similar. They've actually been in relationships with these people, it's just been broadcast in an ugly light all over the media. 

How many people can honestly say the last 5 people they've slept with, they were FOR REAL dating? I'm sure someone can but why does it even matter? Will that add on to the years of productive life you have left? Nope but shitting on other people has become the cool thing to do. I'm hoping that news outlets get back to reporting things in a journalistic manner that can still be admired. The public complains about the messages that the media constantly send that are negative but the truth is...they wouldn't keep posting it if there wasn't a significant following looking at and sharing it.

I guess it all goes back to being the change we wish to see.

All Opinions Are Not Facts

I am a huge fan of opinions. Regardless of them being aligned with my own, I enjoy the difference. It gives us an opportunity to SEE that we do think differently. Also gives us a chance to understand why some people process life the way they do. As much as I enjoy hearing/reading thoughts that run through others minds, I take no delight in opinions being pushed onto others. When I say that, it is not to be confused with facts. Everything that we think is not always based on truthful or factual information. How we feel about something is JUST that. It isn't 100% factual. 

With that being said, here are a few OPINIONS that people LOVE to herald as universal truths. A little logical thinking would reveal the real truth but alas, some like to be irrational so...

1) no one is born gay/no one chooses to be gay

I chuckle when I hear this one. Just because you might not personally know anyone who has had homosexual tendencies since they were a child, doesn't mean they don't exist. Same goes for someone who explores their sexual side in full. Just because you've known them to date and sleep with the opposite sex, that doesn't mean their walk on the wild side caused them to not be open to other possibilities. Yes, there are a million and one things that can be said to support your argument. Unless you poll everyone on the planet though, you're arguing a losing battle.

2) if you have all male friends, you're an untrustworthy female/whore

People just shout out things sometimes because their life experiences dictate it to be a truth. None of our lives are the blueprints to human interaction. If a little girl was raised by her father, mainly hung around her uncles, brothers, and male cousins, it would stand to reason that she'd have closer male relationships, than female. Even in a 2-parent home, if the daughter is drawn to her father over her mother, his traits and character will resonate with her more. Children emulate their parents ALL the time. So if a woman doesn't have very many women friends, it may be due to a comfort level, not because she wants to fuck every male within breathing distance.

3) open relationships are bullshit and never work

Those who have said this, I want to ask TWO questions. Have you been privy to EVERY open relationship that ever existed? Have you been in one? We already know the answer to the first question. The second...if you've been in a open relationship and it didn't work, that's it. YOUR relationship didn't work; why would you generalize something simply because it was a bust for you? At this point, it becomes more of an emotional discussion, not logical. Logically speaking, there are successful open relationships. A lot of people who want to debate it [from my experiences], usually have never been in one, are jaded, and/or just like being an argumentative asshole. ANY type of relationship requires work, whether it's a little or a lot. Regardless of personal feelings on relationships being open, review ALL of your own. If you haven't managed to make any of them work, it can be said that your relationships are bullshit too. Doesn't make it true; just an opinion.

4) someone who used to live a sexually "wild" life is not marriage material

If you don't want to marry someone who could be categorized as a hobag, that's cool. We all like things. However, everyone isn't you. Some people aren't looking for good guys/girls. Therefore, why would they be interested in marrying one? Amongst ALL the reasons I chose to marry my husband, one was because he has similar sex drive to me. I wanted to be with someone who wasn't shy about sex, someone who knew what they liked but wasn't a complete stick in the mud about other things either. So how much sense would it have made for either of us to marry someone with more traditionally conservative views of marriage? We'd have broken up years ago. Just ask your mothers and aunts about their sex lives. You either won't ask or your definition of whore might change some. Point is, "you can't turn a hoe into a housewife", is an opinion and everyone who lives unrepressed sexual lives aren't signing up to be single forever.

This post could go on but the point that all opinions aren't facts has been expressed. Any time we state something and we apply it to all or most people, we're making generalized statements. Those comments don't leave room for any human being that chooses to operate differently from a perceived norm. No matter what is going on that makes us feel our opinions are facts, we're all intelligent enough life forms to understand that life isn't ONE SIZE fits all...and it never will be.

Is It Love You Want or The Semblance of It?

I can't help but observe certain things about people the more they pop up as "serious" topics of discussion. The older I get and the more friends/family/associates of mine who aren't getting married, the more I hear the Forever Alone spill. While listening to their cries and concerns, I also hear how badly they want to experience a real love. Something unconditional. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that they'll probably continue down this path because of the following:

• what their friends/family/associates think about the love of their life is more important than what they think AND feel
• self-sabotage 
• conventional norms

AND most importantly,

• they want to be unconditionally loved but their list of requirements for a mate suggest they won't be reciprocating that same kind of love

Some people [especially my fellow women] might want to scratch my eyes out and I'm sure I heard a few "shut up bitch" mumbles. I have a question though. When did love become about everyone else but you AND the person you claim to love or want to be loved by? I understand that this is nothing new. People have been dating/getting engaged/marrying people they don't love as much as someone else since the beginning of time. However, I'm confused by those who, due to their misery inducing decisions, begin to condemn/judge/turn their nose up at those who love AND STAY with the person they REALLY want. There is NOTHING wrong with saying "THIS IS WHO I CHOOSE TO BE WITH. FUCK ANYONE'S OPINION OF THEM".

It makes me want to slam some people's heads together. Not because of their choice to be miserable. Solely because they shit on love and anyone fortunate to have received it into their life. You can go to hell but why attempt to drag others there with you? 

I'll admit it. Loving someone deeply is NOT easy. I'll never lie about that. It gets easier once we manage to stop making everything about ourselves though. This wholehearted love I speak of HAS to be a mutual thing; otherwise you'll be giving your all and still thinking love hates you because you're getting a shitty return. Which is an entirely different blog post. So when someone tells me that love shouldn't be hard, or viewed as work/a job, I just laugh. If you EVER get the chance to find YOUR one [true love], trust and believe there are people out there who WILL be happy for you. It makes me smile inside because love inspires things in people they sometimes never knew they were capable of.  When your happiness is inspired by love, you can't help but pass love on to others. So, I WANT people to love each other!

I just wish more of us would stop walking around being mad at love and claiming that it doesn't love us. If we are spending our valuable time keeping track of ALL the people who don't love us, when do we find time to focus on ALL the people who DO love us? Maybe, we should try learning how to love ourselves better before we go demanding someone romantically give us their all. As humans, we are naturally self-serving but we have to be willing to admit where we can be unnecessarily selfish with our time, hearts, and...love. 

Instead of concentrating on a list of all the things "I ain't gone do", would it hurt to create a list of the things "I will do" for love? At the end of the day, we ALL have options. Whether or not we choose the right person is contingent on the level of happiness we choose to settle for. If we haven't managed to master treating ourselves as well as we intend to treat the person we're "dying" to love unconditionally, love will continue to seem like a fleeting thought/feeling.

So here's to love...may everyone experience it with the person that is truly for them, regardless of what everyone else thinks.

"ready to love, do you want it enough? 

you say you want to love, do you want it enough?" 

- Jessie Ware